Amazed
by Hesteen
Summary: After their long journey, Riku and Sora must learn to adapt to everyday life. Though everything seems back to normal, the past resurfaces causing Riku, Sora and Kairi to reevaluate their relationship. Rated M for language and later chapters. This story contains sexual relationships between male characters: SoRiku. If you don't like, don't read. Contains romance, angst and humor.
1. Ch 1: With the Stains Now All Withdrawn

**Message: **I have been holding on to this chapter for a little while. I really didn't want to publish this story until it was complete, but as time went on, I realized that I needed to publish what I have in order to get some feedback. I hope you enjoy it!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Kingdom Hearts or its characters.

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**Ch .1**

**With the Stains Now All Withdrawn**

I stand at a doorway to a house which was once my own. Turning the handle to that old familiar doorknob, I take a step forward and feel a sudden, strange mixture of joy, fear, tension and regret churn inside of me. I look around and realize that everything is as I left, causing me to sigh in relief knowing the house remained untouched in my absence, but alongside that feeling of relief, came a greater sense of loneliness.

I breathe deeply before making my way up the stairs. With every step, the wood creaks under my feet, echoing loudly through the vast emptiness of this house. Listening to its cries, I find it hard to believe that I once lived here. Although my memories run deep within these walls, I've been gone for so long that I feel like a stranger, like a trespasser. Perhaps if someone were here to greet me, to remind me that: yes, I do belong here, then maybe these strange thoughts would not have visited me. But no one lives here, not anymore.

I make my way down the hall to the very last room on the left. Still feeling as an intruder, I'm reluctant to go inside, to revisit my room, but my hesitation and uncertainty shatters the moment I see my bed – Ah, _my _bed – With haste, I drop my backpack which I had slung over my shoulder, onto the floor and lunge towards the bed. Sprawling on top its covers, I soon find myself within them. It does not matter that the sheets are now stained with dust nor does it matter that they now bare a musty smell. All that matters is how wonderful it feels to be back within them. As I lay there, heavy in this nostalgic emotion, my eyes flicker awake in the realization that I forgot to open my window. You see, two years ago, back before everything had happened, I used to keep that window ajar. I had exactly two reasons for this, one, was to allow the night's crisp air and silky moonlight flood into my room, wash over me and pull me into sleep. The second, it was…

With this thought, I reluctantly pull myself out of bed, shuffle towards the window and fight against the weathered frame to push it open. Finally winning the struggle over that damn, old, worn window, I gaze into the night sky. As I lean forward against the window pane, the night's chill rushes across my skin, evoking past and nearly forgotten nights. They seem so long ago, yet this place remains the same; it's exactly as I left it. With a tired yawn and a stretch to match I drag my heavy body and mind back to bed and within its covers. Maybe tonight I'll finally get some rest.

-o-

What is that noise; that continuous pounding? I rub my eyes and check the clock. "God damn it! Why this early?" I drag myself to the window and as I peer out, the harsh rays of the morning's light cause my eyes to ache, provoking me to squint in protest. As I focus my vision, I spot the guilty parties responsible for this early morning intrusion. _Those_ two; I should have known.

"Riku!"

"Hey Riku, It's time for school!"

"Why the hell are you two waking me up so damn early?"

"What?" Kairi yells. "It's a school day; shouldn't you be up already?"

"School? Hell no, I'm on vacation."

"Vacation?" Kairi questions as she flips her auburn hair behind her delicate shoulders.

"Yeah, va-ca-tion. You know, that thing where you take a break from everyday life and _sleep_ in?"

"But Riku, you've been gone for _two_ years. Don't you think it's about time you go back?" Kairi argues.

"Why would I think that?"

"Because everyone misses you! – especially Wakka, Tidus and Selphie – aren't you missing them too?

"Tch! They've been fine without me for two years, I'm sure they'll be fine for a few more days. And what about you Sora?" I turn my gaze towards my best friend who is in close proximity to the petite red head. I notice the way their fingertips hesitantly touch, as if questioning whether to hold the other's hand. "What do you have to say about this, about going to _school_? I'm sure it wasn't at the top of your 'things to do' list."

"Umm…" Sora replies nervously. "Well, Kairi has a point. We've been gone for so long. I don't think going back to school is such a bad idea. Actually, I kinda wanna go."

"Tsk." I shake my head in disappointment "I'm ashamed of you, Sora."

"What? Why?"

"Kairi's got you whipped." I say while pointing an accusing finger at the currently red cheeked brunette.

"Does not!"

"Yes she does. She's got you wrapped around her little finger."

"She _does_ not!"

"Then why are you following along with this little venture of hers, hmm? I know you don't _really_ want to go to school. I bet you just wanna kick back and sit on your lazy ass all day. Am I right?"

"Come on, Riku"

"Yeah, come on" Kairi follows. "It's Thursday. Another day and it'll be the weekend. Then you can sleep in all you want."

"Yeah it's Thursday. Isn't that even more of a reason for me to take till Monday off?

"_Please_." Sora calls. "We already told everyone that you'd be there."

"Yeah? And whose fault is that?"

"Please!" Sora and Kairi cry in unison.

"Okay, okay, I'm coming!"

I shuffle my feet towards the bathroom and check myself in the mirror. Still tired, I look so tired. My eyes are glossy and red, appearing as they are hallow from the dark circles painted angrily beneath them. I trail a finger along my cracked, rough lips, thirsty from consuming nothing but darkness. Even my long silver hair which usually serves as a shield, fails to hide my exhaustion; the dull and unkempt strands betray me instead. The darkness truly weighs heavy, the evidence is shown in my worn appearance. I bet Sora doesn't look this shitty. No, he's probably as bright and beaming as ever. Always smiling and full of energy –warm – much like the sun. That's why everyone loves him and how could they not? Someone like me doesn't compare, in fact, against his bright, life giving rays, my shade only deepens. I guess that's why I was jealous. The question is, am I still…No, jealousy is not the right word for what I feel towards him. Jealousy is only a name I gave to these emotions, a façade I used to explain away my actions. "Uhg!" I rub my hair furiously, trying to wipe these thoughts clean from my mind. Why am I thinking of this right now? I just want to sleep, to forget everything for a little while longer. I'm not ready to face everyone. I'm not ready to deal with all the questions or the stares. How am I supposed to respond to it all? I can't tell them the truth, can I? Even if I could, how would they respond? Wouldn't they think I was a horrible person? – Well, I suppose I am. I turned to the darkness, betraying my friends, worst of all, betraying the one person who's always been there for me, the only person who comes close to understanding me: my best friend. Doesn't that make me something terrible? I'm not ready. I'm _really _not ready. '_Knock, knock, knock_,' more banging at the door. Those little pests, I'd better let them in before they wake up the entire neighborhood.

"Jeez, it's about time you opened this door" Sora whines, then suddenly tilts his head and lifts his eyebrow. "Are you almost ready?"

"Yeah, I just have to put on my uniform"

"Do you think it still fits?"

"Probably not. Yours looks pretty tight."

"I know, doesn't he look like a dork?" Kairi giggles as she shoots me a smile before heading towards the bathroom.

"Hey that's not nice!" Sora yells across the room. Kairi simply waves away his comment as she ignores him to check herself in the mirror.

"Back to the point." Sora turns his attention towards me. "I grew a little, but you," he jabs his finger into my ribs causing me to flinch in response. "You grew _a lot_. Doubt your uniform still fits."

"Oh well, I gotta make due since you brats insist I go to school today."

"Sorry."

"Hmm?"

"I really wanna go. I mean, I miss everyone, but it wouldn't be the same if I went without you – so I'm sorry for asking you to do this when I know you don't want to. I just miss how things were, you know? How things used to be." Sora sighs heavily, his usual smile turning into an uncharacteristic frown. "I guess what I'm saying is, I'm sorry for being so selfish."

Guilt – yes, that's what I'm feeling right now is guilt. It's my fault our world turned upside-down, it's my fault he became a keyblade wielder. I was the one who opened the door to darkness. I was the one who changed everything. And for what? Because I was discontented? Because I wanted more than what I have here? He was happy, he was content and I took everything away from him. For what? Because I was unsatisfied? It's all my fault. I'm the one who's selfish.

"Riku?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry. I just got lost in thought. Wait here, I'll be back down in a sec."

"Ok!" I hear both say in unison – It drives me crazy how in tune they are with each other. I guess that's what makes them so good together and why I find myself feeling like the third wheel. The moment Kairi appeared on our island, she and Sora instantly connected. It hurt to see my best friend sync so naturally with someone he had just met. He became infatuated with her. In turn, I convinced myself that she bewitched him and had every intention to steal him away from me. But over time, I realized that she wasn't trying to come between Sora and I and I forgave her and as time moved on, I even grew to love her.

"Riku!" Sora and Kairi yell, once again in unison, and disrupt me from my thoughts.

"Ok, ok!" I yell back as I dash up the stairs and into my room. I begin to hurriedly remove the clothes that I hadn't bothered to change out of last night and grab the slacks of my old school uniform. As I try to put them on, I realize that they were far too small – I could barely pull them past my middle thighs. Despite this, I try on my shirt, but like the slacks before it, the shirt was far too small; any hopes of buttoning it were clearly in vain. As I stand there in frustration, I hear my door crack open and see a pair of bright cobalt eyes staring up at me. My ears are blessed with a song of laughter, shortly after and I begin to laugh as well as I realize that I must truly look ridiculous: arms folded in frustration, sporting a pair of slacks around my thighs and a shirt that evidently could not be buttoned. Maybe I should try on the tie for good measure, just to keep him laughing like this. "It doesn't fit." I chose to say instead.

"No shit." Sora replies between breaths as tries to regain composure, but fails as he catches me trying on my tie to complete the look. His laughter is once again musical which ignites a sense of relief within me – I know now, that despite everything we've been through, I can still conjure such pleasurable emotions within him.

"Really though." I begin to say. "I can't go to school like this."

"I guess not. Hold on." Sora picks himself up off the ground and peer out from my door as he yells: "Kai!" – _Kai?_

"What is it?" Kairi calls back.

"Change of plans, Riku and I aren't going to school today!"

"Why?"

"Our uniforms don't fit!"

"Aw, are you sure? Let me go up there and check."

"No, you can't! Riku's indecent."

"Common, let me see."

"No!"

"That's not fair. I bet you guys are just trying to get out of going to school!"

"I'm serious Kai, Riku's up here looking absolutely ridiculous. Besides, you said it yourself, I look like a dork. So we're gonna take the day off – We'll go to school tomorrow, I promise, but we need today off to buy new uniforms."

"Fine then." Kairi replies with evident irritation in her voice. "But you two better show up to school ASAP. Otherwise, everyone's going to think that I'm lying about you two being back." As Kairi leaves, the door slams loudly behind her.

"Ouch!" We say together, causing me to smile inwardly at the way we harmonized.

"Are you sure it's ok?" I ask.

"What do you mean? It's not like you can go to school like _that_." Sora states as he tugs on the corner of my shirt.

"Yeah, but I thought you wanted to go?"

"And I thought I told you that I didn't want to go without you?"

"That's true, but shouldn't you go after her?"

"Why?"

"She's your girlfriend. Isn't she?"

"No, she's not – actually."

"She's not? What do you mean she's not? – So you're telling me that after everything that's happened between you two, you're still not together?" Sora nods in response. "Why the hell aren't you and Kairi together? I don't get it."

"I just – we're just not ready."

"Not…ready? You two have had your eyes on each other since the moment you met, and you're telling me that _you're_ not ready?

"_We're_ not. A lot of things have happened these past two years – I want to wait a little, I want to take our relationship slowly. Okay?"

"Oookay? But all you and Kairi have ever done is take your relationship slowly. If it takes too long to further your relationship, she'll get tired of waiting and decide to date some other loser."

"Some _other_ loser? You mean like yourself?"

"Maybe." I grab him in a head lock and mess his perfect spikes.

"Hey!"

"Hey what?"

"You're messing up my hair."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea that Sora – the famous keyblade wielder – was so vain."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not!" He lunges at me, tackling me to the ground as he vigorously ruffles my already unkempt hair. "Ah, now we're even."

"Are we now?" He nods with a huge, idiotic smile plastered across his face – God, I've missed this. I've missed him. What I wouldn't give to have moments like this last forever. What I wouldn't give to…

"Riku?"

"Oh…sorry."

"Are you ok? Something seems to be bothering you."

"No, it's nothing."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah…I'm sure." I reach out my hand to rub his hair again, gently this time, taking the moment to relish in the softness of his unruly, chestnut spikes.

"Riku?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm starting to wonder: when are you going to put clothes on? You know, ones that actually fit?" Suddenly, my cheeks feel warm as I'm reminded of my indecency and as the realization of our compromising position hits me –Sora hovers just a few inches from me, his hands on either side of me as he props himself up. He's so close; I fight the urge to gaze into his bright blues for fear he may notice my uneasiness. But as I shift my gaze from those eyes, I find instead a patch of skin which resembles the color of honey, contrasting beautifully against the white fabric of his shirt. Those buttons which dare reveal such sinful beauty, must have popped open as he tackled me to the ground. I feel the warmth of my cheeks rise to a burn and I'm certain their color gives me away, because this time he notices.

"What's wrong Riku? Are you upset cuz I'm finally strong enough to take you down?"

"What? As if." I poke the middle of his forehead, using enough pressure to cause a shift in his balance. He falls to the side of me but immediately lifts himself up and rubs his forehead. "You see? I easily defeated you with _one_ finger." I say as I wave said finger proudly in the air.

"That's 'cause you caught me off guard."

"Tch, like that's hard to do."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sora crosses his legs and folds his arms. His eyebrows narrow and his lips form a lazy pout. It's a look which I can only guess was his attempt at feigning irritation. The sight of it causes me to laugh and as soon as I do, his laughter follows.

"Anyway." I kick his side, causing him to fall over a second time. "Get your ass out of my room. That is, unless you'd rather see me naked."

"Eww, gross."

"Well, with the way you keep staring at me, I wasn't sure."

"I'm not 'staring,' it's just, I'm still so surprised at how much you've grown – jerk." Sora playfully punches me on the arm as he says this.

"I did change quite a bit, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but only on the outside; you're still the same old Riku on the inside."

"Well, I guess some things never change, like your idiotic face."

"And _your_ smart mouth."

I offer my hand to Sora, helping him off the floor. As soon as he's on his feet, I shove him out of my room. "Now get your ass out before I kick it." Immediately, before he could muster a reply, I quickly slam the door shut –Some things never change? That was a strait out and stupid lie, but what else could I have said? Reality is, the darkness took all the twisted parts of me and skewed them further until I was nothing more than a distorted shadow of myself. I lost sight of who I was and what was most important to me, hurting the people I love in the process. Now, even though I'm fighting towards the dawn, working on myself to tame the darkness and earn everything back, I fear that I have become so tainted that I'll never be what he wants; I'll never be who I once was. So if I can't be that person, if I can't be who he needs me to be, I'm going to at least pretend. Anything less, would only hurt him.

-o-

After several minutes of struggling with a dresser full of clothes that refuse to fit, I give up the fight and settle with wearing a very old, ragged and once baggy pair of washed out grey sweats. Despite their horrid appearance –the hot chocolate stain on the front of the shirt, the tattered bottom of both pant legs and the holes which allow my knees to peak through –I've kept them. Partially because of the memories they held of lazy weekends when Sora would come over for no particular reason, and partially because they would be there for me when I had nothing left to wear (just as here for me now).

I take a second look in the mirror which only serves to reaffirm my awful appearance – I doubt I can make myself look anywhere near presentable but I decide to at least try. If I attempt to pass off this hollowed and ragged form, Sora would definitely notice that something's wrong – In the past, I would use anything and everything as material for competition and my looks were no exception. Due to lack of funds, there were times when I chose hair products or gym equipment over necessities like food. Though it sounds as if I traded common sense for vanity, upholding my ego wasn't the sole purpose for maintaining my appearance.

As long as I was by Sora's side, I could use my looks and practice my charm in order to steer any potential threat from him and onto me. If he only knew how many girls I've baited and lured from his direction – he'd be so angry. But Sora never caught on, he had never even realized that a girl had taken interest in him in the first place. Sora was oblivious to those kinds of things, always mistaking a girl's attentions as acts of kindness, never once suspecting the deeper meaning behind their actions. I on the other hand, knew all too well what their intentions were. So like a snake, I seduced them and like Eve, every one of those girls gave in to temptation and fell from Eden. Every single one, except for her.

No matter how hard I tried to sway Kairi's heart, she refused to give up her conquest. Her gaze never once faltered from Sora, no matter how much I danced or how colorful the feathers I bore. And after years of trying to win her affections, I realized my attempts to capture her were futile. Still, I refused to give up the fight which eventually evolved into something resembling a cruel joke rather than an act. Kairi knew without question, exactly where my intentions lied –meanwhile Sora was fooled into believing that I loved her. Instead of correcting his misconception, I opted to use it to my advantage. I knew as long as he believed that I loved Kairi, he'd be reluctant to further their relationship. It was exactly what I wanted from the start which meant I won – even if it wasn't the way I intended – I still won – or did I? I watched Sora day in and day out be miserable because he convinced himself that he could not have Kairi, regardless of how much he loved her. I watched his jealousy grow as I flirted and paraded around her to maintain that sick illusion of love. No matter how much I hopped, begged, prayed it was her he was envious of, I knew it was I his jealousy was directed and it served as a constant reminder that she was the one he wanted – the one he loved. To win, I knowingly exploited the kind nature of my friend; taking advantage of his tendency to place everyone before himself. I was selfish, foolish, possessive, the longer the charade continued, the more I hated myself –If that cruel joke was on anyone, it was surely on me.

After I washed my face and tamed my wild and rebellious hair, I slowly make my way down the stairs, quietly, trying to keep my steps as light as possible with the attempt to catch Sora off guard, but I forgot my goal the moment I spot him sitting at the kitchen table staring at his finger which was coated with a thick layer of dust. His gaze shifts to the line on the table which he had created, causing his nose to scrunch up, intensifying the look of disgust already ridden on his face.

"What's wrong with your face?" I ask with irritation causing him to stick his out tongue in response.

"Your house is filthy."

"No shit, no one's been around to clean it." Sora stands to his feet and brushes all evidence of dust off his finger and onto his blue and white tartan slacks.

"I was thinking, maybe we should clean it this weekend."

"We?"

"Me, you and Kairi. Unless…" Sora begins as he takes a few steps towards me and lifts his hands, gesturing to the entirety of the house. "…you'd rather clean all this by yourself?"

"No, not really." I say in response.

"Ok then, it's a date. This Saturday, bright and early."

"A date huh? Don't tell me you plan on buying me flowers."

"_No_, I'm not gonna _buy_ you flowers. But if you'd like, I could make you a bouquet out of the weeds growing in your front yard?"

"Sure, why not? And why don't you mow the front lawn while you're at it – smart ass."

"No way, are you crazy? It's like the Deep Jungle out there."

"I'll pay you in pizza." I say in a singsong voice.

"Hmm." Sora places his index finger on his chin and glances upward. "Alright, I'll mow your lawn _if:_ you buy me pizza _and: _you let me spend the night."

"You can if you want, but don't you think I'd be better for you to spend the weekend with your family instead of wasting it with me?"

"Well, I probably should take that time to catch up with mom and dad, but I also feel like I should, well, you know…" Sora begins to rub the back of his head. "Spend some of that time with you."

Oh…I see. Maybe he thinks I'll be lonely, or maybe he doesn't trust me to be alone. If that's the case, I don't blame him; I barely trust myself. This house is so empty, so vast, so quiet, I'll only have my thoughts to fill that space, to disrupt that silence – thoughts which often drift into dangerous territory. I – I don't want to be left alone with those thoughts.

"Sora, if you'd rather waste your weekend at my house – that's fine –I won't stop you, but we'll worry about that latter – let's focus on the now: Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah…wait, what? Ready to go where?"

"To the _store_ and buy our uniforms, stupid. Or have you forgotten already?"

"Aw, do we really have to go _right_ _now_? I was hoping we could just hang around here for a while – watch a movie, play video games or something."

"Hm, sounds great in theory, but you forget one thing: I have no electricity."

"You don't? I thought your uncle took care of those kinds of things?"

"Not reall – I always had to beg that no good son of a bitch for money so _I _could pay the bills."

"That's weird."

"Tell me about it. That bastard never wanted anything to do with me, even though he's the one who agreed to be my guardian." Sora's eyebrows begin to furrow as he folds his arms with concern. "Don't look at me like that. It's nothing personal, I think. When my parents died, he had barely turned twenty. The only thing he cared to do was to 'party' with his friends – The idea of being responsible for some 'kid' 'freaked' him out. There was a time when I had hope he would grow up and take some responsibility for me. As I got older, I realized that he was never going to change and that I had to grow up because he wasn't going to."

"Yeah but, if he was too busy with his own life to concern himself with yours, why would he agree to take care of you in the first place?"

"I asked him that myself. He said something about keeping a promise he had made to my father, that he owed my father at least that much."

"A promise?"

"I guess before my parents died, they had asked him to become my guardian if anything were to happen to them. He only agreed because he didn't expect anything _to_ happen. When it came to it, when everything went down, he flaked. He didn't see me as his responsibility, because after all, he himself was 'just a kid' and 'how can a kid take care of a kid?' He wasn't ready to give up the life of a bachelor for some 'little punk' who'd only 'cramp his style' – that's why I live here, alone, instead of living with him."

"Did he – did he say all those things to you?"

"No, not _to_ me, more like, he was rambling to himself and I overheard."

"Riku."

"I said don't look at me like that. It's fine. I'd rather live here by myself than deal with his bullshit, anyway."

"But aren't you lonely staying in this huge house by yourself, especially since your parents used to…"

"How can I be lonely when you and Kairi are always pestering me? It's fine Sora, really. I got over it a long time ago." I interrupt before he could finish. "Now let's stop talking about my uncle and start getting down to what's important – let's go."

"Hey, wait –I know we need to buy uniforms, but I really think you should visit your uncle first. You know, get some money to pay for the utilities and what not – besides, he needs to at least know that you're still alive."

"Yeah I guess; I need to get cash for a new uniform anyway – but don't get any bright ideas while we're there."

"Bright Ideas?"

"Don't play dumb. I know you and I know what you're thinking. Don't believe for one second that you'll be able to reconcile my relationship with my uncle." Sora begins to wave his hands in front of him.

"I'm not."

"Whatever. Just keep in mind, the relationship I have with _my_ uncle is _my_ problem, not yours."

"Ok, I get it – I won't interfere." Sora states – I can hear the sadness starting to form in his voice.

Shit, that came out all wrong; I didn't mean it like that –"Sora, I didn't mean it like _that_. My relationship with my uncle has always been rocky – I'm used to it. I just don't want to see you waste your time and your energy on trying to mend something that's not repairable, because when you finally realize that you can't fix this for me, you'll blame yourself for lacking the ability to mend it. I won't have that, Sora. You've shouldered enough burdens to last you a lifetime. Please – please don't try to shoulder this one."

"I get it." The pain I hear in his voice causes me to lift his chin, allowing me to have a better view of his face.

"Hey, it'll be ok." I wrap my arms around him in order to soften his worried expression. With his arms still folded, he leans into the hug, settling his head against my chest.

"I worry about you." Sora muffles through my disgustingly hideous sweat shirt.

"I know." I say in reply.

"I have a right _to_ worry about you."

"I know – but try to trust me on this one, ok?

"Ok."

* * *

**Author's note: **What do you guys think? Please write a review.


	2. Ch 2: This Is Where I Used To Be

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Kingdom Hearts or any of the characters from Kingdom Hearts.

Warning: There's some adult content within which may not be suitable for younger viewers; viewer discretion is advised

Ch. 2

This Is Where I Used To Be

Sora and I walk in silence along the pale gray sidewalks of a suburban neighborhood not too far from where I live. The caws and chirps from native birds orchestrate a melody which is pleasant but thunderous, echoing loudly in this empty space between us. Their song stirs within me like a rock thrown into a still lake. Waves of uneasiness spread, rippling through me, haunting me, reminding me that there is so much to be said, yet we are not saying a word. In the past, this lack of exchange wouldn't have bothered me – in fact, I prefer null conversation over noisy, useless chatter – but the silence which was once comfortable, is now unbearably awkward. It's just like the moments I spent with Sora right after we defeated Xemnas.

We had found our way to a strange, dark coastline were we sat next to each other and stared at a distant, soft glowing light that hovered over a sea of calm titanium waves. While looking at that eerie light, I searched endlessly in my mind for the right words – for the best way to apologize for my misdoings – but I couldn't find them. Nervous in not knowing what to say, I told Sora that I was jealous; in response, he looked at me in utter surprise as he asked 'why?' I explained how I wished I could be more like him: confident and not afraid to follow his heart regardless of what consequences may follow. During those moments under that soft, glowing light, the words I shared with Sora were true, honest, but they unintentionally steered the conversation from what should have been discussed. I should have told him why I left Destiny Islands, why I gave into the darkness; I should have told him that I'm sorry. There was a lot left unanswered, unsaid and still, Sora never asked for an explanation, or for an apology. The only thing Sora asked for, was for me to come back home.

Initially, I was reluctant to go back to Destiny Island – I believed that I had no right to go back, I believed that I had no right to be so easily forgiven – but in that moment when he offered me his hand as he bathed in the bright light that was calling us home, all my uncertainty and fear were forgotten. I remembered then what it was that I truly wanted, it was to be by his side. If only I had the strength and courage now as I did then when I grabbed Sora's hand. I wouldn't be walking alongside him in this silence, I would have the courage to explain everything, I would apologize and I would tell him that I…

There is so much he needs to know, must know, yet here we are in this deafening silence, unable to come up with the words that we so desperately need or are too afraid to speak for fear that it'll ruin what is left of our wounded bond. Instead, we are pretending like nothing's changed, I know it's easier to do than it is to confront our issues, but I'm beginning to wonder: is this all that's left between us? Are we really no more than this silence? Have these past two years really caused wounds so vial that we can't bear to face them, so deep that they have no chance at healing? Can we have a future if we can't face the past? No, we have to confront this; I have to say something, _anything_.

"Why haven't you asked me about _it_?" I begin – though it's not the best way to bring the subject up, I can't think of any other way to start.

As if startled by the question, Sora flinches and freezes in his tracks. "Asked you about what?"

"About everything?"

Sora looks to the ground as his eyes starts to sadden and his mouth begins to bend southward. A few moments pass as I watch Sora examine the concrete in deep thought. His eyes roam back and forth over the tiny cracks which mar it's would be perfect surface, as if doing so would provide him with an answer. I watch him closely, patiently waiting for a response as he shuts his eyes and takes one very long and very deep sigh. "I guess it's because there's no need to…You and I have been through a lot. There's a lot of pain and unanswered questions between us, but I know in my heart that you must've had a reason to do what you did. Whatever that reason is; I'll be willing to hear it, but only when you're willing to tell me…I guess what I'm trying to say is, there's no need to push you for answers, 'cause I know you'll explain things to me on your own time."

"And what if I decide against explaining myself to you?"

"You won't do that. No matter what, no matter how long it takes, you'll tell me the truth of what happened, because that's the kind of person you are. So until that time comes, even if it takes an eternity, I'll wait for you."

"Why? Why would you do that? _I_ was the one who messed up, Sora, so why should _you_ have to wait for _anything_ from me? I don't deserve that kind of patients…" My throat and muscles grow tight and a ringing starts in my ears – it grows louder and louder as the anger I feel towards myself spills forward. "…nor do I deserve your kindness!"

"Because we're friends!" He yells back in a tone as heated as my own. "Do I need any other reason besides that?"

"You should be furious with me! You should hate me!" I see Sora's lips move, but I can't make out what they are saying. "What?"

"I was..." He says in nearly inaudible whisper.

"What?"

"I _was_ furious with you! I was, I was _so_ angry!" He screams as his eyes lock onto mine. They burn through me, hot and vivid like the bluest part of a flame; the intensity of it causes me to turn away. "But…but I…" He begins again as he gently grabs my shoulder, slowly pulling me towards him. The feel of his fingers trembling feebly against my skin, lures my eyes back onto his.

"Look, I was at first – like when you had kidnapped Pinocchio: it seemed as if you didn't care that Pinocchio had a heart or that he had people who loved him. I wanted to believe that you were confused or misguided somehow, that there was no possible way you could be that cruel. Then you had mentioned Kairi and I realized that you were only doing what you thought you had to. You didn't care that what you were doing was hurting others, because it was for her sake. I also realized that because it was for her sake, you knew full well what you were doing. That you were neither confused nor misguided and you were knowingly and willingly making a choice to fight against me.

Then, when we met on Hook's ship; I was angry after I found out you were fighting on the side of darkness, that you gained the power to control the heartless and that you – without hesitation – would use it against me. I wasn't just angry, I was hurt; just when I thought I had found you, you were further from my sight than before, but I never once felt hatred towards you…Even, even when you took the keyblade from me, I still never hated you."

"Why not? I betrayed you."

"Yes, maybe you did or at least, that's what I thought when you took the keyblade from me. Remember what you said? – 'You were just the delivery boy.' – After you had thrown me your toy sword and told me to 'Go play hero with this,' I thought that was it, that I had truly lost you…but perhaps, that's what you wanted me to think. You said and did many things to push me away, but maybe you did all of that to protect me."

"What are you talking about? Did you forget? I turned the keyblade on you, does that sound like something a person trying to protect you would do?"

"Maybe not, but I have to wonder: how much effort and heart did you really put into that attack. I mean, Goofy's shield easily blocked it and it lacked a…umm…what do you call it? A killing intent?"

"A _killer_ intent?"

"Yeah, that. Besides, compared to the blows Ansem dealt when he had taken control of your heart, that attack was _so_ weak."

"It's only because, at the time I myself was weak; so weak that I let Ansem take over my heart."

"No, you were sad, lonely, in pain; you didn't want me to suffer like that, right? Like you? I was naïve to the dangers of keyblade, I didn't know that it would place the weight of the world – the worlds – on my shoulder, but you did. You knew that if I held the keyblade, danger would follow. You knew what a burden it would be and you didn't want me to suffer through that."

"You make it sound as if what I did was some selfless act, that everything was for your and Kairi's sake alone. You're wrong, Sora. Yes I pushed you away, but it wasn't to protect you, it was to protect myself. The darkness, it was toxic but intoxicating, all it took was one little taste and I wanted more, but I let too much in, I was losing myself and I was ashamed. I didn't want you to see what I let myself become, so I pushed you away."

"Riku." Sora grabs my face between his hands and pulls me close to his. "Maybe it wasn't because you didn't want me to see what you've become; maybe it was because you didn't want what you've become to hurt me."

"I – I can't deny that." Sora sigs as he pulls my face closer to his own, making our foreheads meet. The scent of him causes my eyes to flutter shut.

"I forgive you…for everything."

"I haven't told you everything."

"It doesn't matter. I know there's a lot stuff you haven't told me, but I'm sure that not all of its dark and dreary. I bet there are a lot of good things you did that I don't know about either…Riku, despite everything that's happened, you are still you. Whether you face the dusk or the dawn, I want to be by your side; I'm not afraid of the darkness inside you."

"…You should be."

"We're here." I sigh before slowly lifting my fist to the white pristine door. At first glance, everything about the house – from the perfectly trimmed hedges to the spotless windows - matched the sheer perfection of this door. The house screamed: clean, expensive, flawless, in no way did it reveal what was truly lurking inside.

"Do I really have to do this?" I ask in a pleading tone, hoping that it would be enough to have Sora change his mind.

"There's no way you're backing out of this one." Sora laughs as he playfully shoves me towards the door. The action causes my still lifted fist to bump the door hard enough to induce a feathery 'knock.'

I pause, waiting for my uncle to respond to the sound which I already knew would go unnoticed – it was 9:00 a.m., a time which my uncle was sure to be in bed asleep. – "You see? He's not home." I decide to say after a few moments of waiting.

"Come on Riku, that didn't count; there's no way he could've heard that puny little attempt at knocking. You gotta do it like this:" Sora lifts his arm over my shoulder and pounds the door with several hard blows.

"First of all, that was not my attempt at knocking, that was my fist meets door thanks to your idiotic antics. Secondly, don't you think you went a little overboard? That was so loud; the entire neighborhood had to have heard you – Before you know it, the little old lady who lives across the street will be peaking out of her window with the phone in hand, ready to dial 9-1-1. Oh look, I think that's – yup, that's her."

Sora lifts his eyebrow as a smile begins to grow across his cheeks. He swings his foot behind him, and unsteadily twirls on heel to face the said little old lady. "Good morning!" he yells to her as he waves his hands wildly in the air. The little old lady frowned in response and angrily closes the curtains behind her.

"Ok, that's enough." I grab Sora by the shoulder and turn him around to face me. "Kairi's right, you're such a dork."

"I am not and she didn't call me a dork, she said I looked like one."

"What's the difference? You look like one because you are one."

"There is a difference, and I do not…am not!" Sora jumps on my back, tackling me down to the ground and captures me in a headlock when suddenly the door swings wide open, revealing my uncle who, for whatever godforsaken reason, was covered in nothing more than a thin white sheet hanging lazily from one hand.

"Riku!" My uncle cried with half shock and half disappointment. "Where have you been? It's been like, what, two years?"

"Something like that."

"And who's this little cutie on top of you? – Wait, no it couldn't be…Sora?" My Uncle bends down and lifts Sora by the chin. "Let me get a better look at you." The sheet slips from his fingers as he pulls Sora to his feet and captures his face with both hands. "Wow."

"Could you please put some clothes on?" I say as I slap his hands off of Sora. "Where's your shame?"

"Please, what's there to be ashamed of? I look good." My uncle purrs. "Don't you think so too,

Sora?"

"Uhh…" Sora replies

"Don't answer that." I interrupt before he can finish. "That old lady across the street is gonna die from shock if she sees that pale ass of yours."

"At least she'll die happy knowing she got to feast her on my smooth skin, defined muscles and huge…" I cover my uncle's mouth before he can finish.

"Please, just put some clothes on." I beg and look towards Sora whose face is now turned in the opposite direction.

"Fine, if it'll make you happy, I'll get dressed." My Uncle states begrudgingly while I choose to ignore the irony of that statement – seriously, when did he ever want to make me happy?

"Well, come on in. Make yourself at home…Sora, don't just look at me like a deer caught in headlights; I won't bite." My uncle smirks as he leans into Sora and whispers something in his ear which causes Sora to flinch upward and his cheeks to burn a cherry red.

"Umm, thank you for letting me into your home." Sora replies nervously while he rubs the back of his neck and steps inside the house.

"So cute." My uncle says as he turns around and walks up the stairs.

"This place is worse than your house." Sora states as he examines the room. I note the laundry piled by our feet, the hot pink bra hanging on the head of the couch behind us, the red solo cups scattered across the floor and placed randomly about the furniture. Many of the cups have a name written upon them in permanent marker, revealing the perpetrator who left them behind, some of which still contain the remnants of whatever that guilty party drinking.

"He holds parties here, a lot of parties." I reply as I pick a table lamp off the floor and place it on the coffee table next to us.

"I can tell."

"By the way, what did my uncle say to you that made you turn all red?"

"Umm, well." Sora began to rub his neck once more – a habit he tends to do out of nervousness. "'too hard.'"

"Excuse me?"

"He said that he 'won't bite – too hard.'"

"God." I say as I place a hand over my forehead and drag it down across my face. "He's such a fucking pervert."

"Cool it Riku, he was only joking."

"Sora, that wasn't '_only_ joking,' that was sexual harassment. Sometimes it amazes me how naïve you really are."

"Well sorry for being so naive!"

"Hey, are you two love birds quarreling?" My Uncle calls to us as he walks down the stairs wearing only a pair of black skinny jeans. As he takes each step, his silver hair which is slightly longer than my own, flutters gracefully against his pale bare shoulders.

"We are not love birds!" I contested; my uncle merely smirks in response.

"Are you sure, because you two sound like a married couple – right before the divorce."

"Ha. Ha." I say dryly and turn towards Sora to gauge his response but he turns away from me.

"Like I said: right before the divorce. That reminds me, have you two heard the nasty rumor going around, surrounding that little disappearing act you did?" My uncle's smirk grows into an amused, almost Cheshire, grin when he sees both Sora and my heads shake. "People are saying that you both left Destiny Islands to, umm, well how do I say this?...Elope." He saunters towards Sora and brushes the back of his hand against Sora's cheek, causing Sora to step backward, out from my uncle's reach. I growl angrily, giving my uncle a wordless warning to back off.

"Is there any truth behind that rumor?"

"No!" Sora refutes "Riku and I, we're not like that."

"Are you sure about that?" My uncle questions as he takes another step towards Sora, causing Sora to back into the head of the couch. My uncle leans against the sofa, trapping Sora between his arms as he gazes over Sora with lust drenched eyes. "Because you two seemed to be on pretty friendly terms earlier."

"Get off him." I yell, as I yank Sora by the hand, bringing him behind me – That look, the way he's looking at Sora, he isn't joking, he isn't playing around; he wants Sora. With this realization, I begin to feel that old anger reawaken inside me and my body tense. No, I won't let him have those kind of thoughts of Sora – those impure, dark thoughts. My eyes close involuntarily and I clench my fists; it's all I can do from grabbing my uncle by the neck and strangling him when suddenly I feel a tight squeeze on the top of my shoulder.

"Riku." Sora calls to me softly and brings me back to my senses. "Stop. I'm ok. There's no need to be angry, so calm down." With his simple plea, my muscles relax and my thoughts cool.

"I'm sorry Ri-chan." My uncle halfheartedly apologizes. "I can't help it, I mean, just look at him – he's so fucking adorable – I can't stop myself from teasing him. Why are you so upset, anyway? It's just flirting, it's harmless; and like Sora said, you two aren't going out. So what's the problem?"

"The problem is: he's my best friend and you're an old man. You're like what? Thirty?"

"Twenty-seven."

"That's my point: you're old."

"Riku, 27 is not old."

"You guys?" Sora interrupts our discussion which if left undisturbed probably would have ended with broken bones and black eyes. "I think we should change the subject to something important." Sora nudges me in the ribs with his elbow.

"Oh yeah – I need money."

"Money, for what?"

"Oh, I don't know." I say sarcastically. "Maybe to _pay_ the bills or to _buy_ food or to _get _clothes that'll actually fit."

"You don't have clothes that fit? – So that's why you're wearing that shitty sweat-outfit. I was wondering what the hell was wrong with you but I just assumed you had finally gone off the deep end."

"You have no idea."

"You seriously don't have any clothes that fit? Where have you been for the past two years where you couldn't buy clothes – where you shipwrecked or something?"

"It's a long story." Sora explains.

"It must be, because Riku looks like shit."

"Thanks." I reply. "Now can you please just give me some money?"

"How much do you need?"

"I think one-thousand will do."

"One-thousand? Did you hear that Sora? I think you're friend wants to bleed me dry."

"Just hand over the money, old man."

"What are you, my drug lord? And stop calling me 'old man,' I already told you, I'm not old – wait right here, I'll be back with the cash."

"Cash?" Sora questions after my uncle leaves the room.

"Yeah, the old man is always loaded – he gets paid for doing dirty work."

"Like selling drugs or killing people?"

"I don't know, but whatever it is, I think it must be shady because he hides his money all over this house."

"You two need to stop talking about me like I'm from the Yakuza. For your information, I have a respectable job as a host."

"A host, like at a club? Since when was that ever been considered a respectable profession?"

"It all depends on how you look at it. Ask yourself this: what makes a job respectable? Is it the number of people you provide services to? Or the clothes you wear? Or the amount of money you make? Or is it the rank or title you hold at that job? I go to work dressed in a suit, I provide and satisfy many women, and sometimes men, with my services, I make tones of cash. I work very hard at what I do and I have a reputation to prove it. So yes, Riku, I would call what I do: a respectable job. Plus, you can't argue with this amount of cash." My uncle drops a heavy wad of rolled bills onto my hand and I hurriedly shove it into my pocket.

"Thanks, well we'll be going now."

"Hey, why don't you two stay – it'll give us a chance to catch up."

"Thanks, but no thanks." I say as I grab Sora's wrist and head towards the door.

"Wait, I gotta ask something first. Sora, are you seeing anyone?"

"Umm, that's kinda humgh." I cover Sora's mouth before he could finish.

"He's seeing someone."

"That's too bad." My uncle says in a defeated tone.

"Why does it matter; you should be spending your energy on finding a wife and having kids, not wasting it by trying to hit on my best friend who happens to be 16 and male.

"Come on Riku, you know that life isn't for me – I don't want to be tied down and I'm anything but straight."

"Well Sora is straight."

"How sure are you of that?"

"Excuse me, Yukimura-san?" Sora asks.

"The name's Ryuichi – Ryu for short."

"Ryu-san…"

"Just Ryu."

"Riku's right, I like girls. I'm sorry to disappoint you."

"Aw, it's ok cutie." My uncle ruffles Sora's hair. "But keep in mind, if you ever get tired of girls, or if you ever get fed up dealing with my asshole nephew, give me a call, I'll gladly take care of you."

"Sure!" Sora accepts the invitation without a second thought as he beams brightly with his typical smile.

"Whatever, let's go." I say grumpily.

"Goodbye, you two."

"Bye bye!" Sora replies.

The door closes painfully slow behind us – I really hope he's not checking out Sora's ass. With this thought, I grab Sora by the hand and run until we reach the nearest street corner.

"What's wrong?" Sora asks.

"You shouldn't encourage him. He's nothing but trouble, he only thinks about himself; he's no good for you."

"I thought he was nice."

"You thought wrong. Look, I know you want to be friends with everyone you meet, but he's bad news; he only wants one thing from you."

"You sound like a father talking to his daughter. I'm not a kid Riku, I have the right to decide who I want to be friends with – if Kairi asked me to stop being friends with you because of everything that's happened, I'd tell her the same."

"You're right, you're free to choose your friends, but as your _best friend_, I'm warning you, my uncle is dangerous. Our appearances aren't the only thing we have in common. He has a short temper; he's jealous, obsessive and he's possessive. I don't want you around him, at least, not when I'm not around. Promise me that you won't go see him without me." I grab Sora's face and force him to look me in the eyes. "Promise me."

"I promise."


	3. Ch 3: When I Fade Away From Me

**A/N: **First of all, I would like to thank **Vash's Girl** for beta-reading this chapter for me. She's an amazingly talented author who has written many brilliant stories. Please, check them out at: www. fanfiction u/67702/

Secondly, I would like to note that there's a tense change in this chapter. I'm going to write this story in past tense from now on. Writing in the present tense was becoming irksome. **Vash's Girl** also suggested writing in the past tense, so I decided the change was for the best.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Kingdom Hearts or any characters from Kingdom Hearts.

**Warning:** There's some adult content within which may not be suitable for younger viewers. Viewer discretion is advised

* * *

**Ch.3**

**Stay Far Away From Me**

**When I Fade Away From Me**

"_Hey, I know what we can do," Sora said as he spun around on one foot with his hands behind his back. He shrugged his shoulders upward and leaned forward, meeting my eyes with an unmistakably mischievous smile. "We can play pirates again; but __**this**__ time I want to be captain…you can be my first mate."_

_ "I don't know; we played that game yesterday. Besides, I don't want to play pirates unless I get to be captain." _

"_That's no fair," Sora whined and threw his hands up in the air. "Why do you always get to be captain?"_

_ "Because I'm better at stuff than you, so I get to decide what we do."_

_ "You are not better at stuff than me!"_

_ "Oh, yeah? Challenge me to anything you'd like. No matter what it is, I bet I can beat you."_

"_Ok, I challenge you to a sword fight. If __**I**__ win, you have to play pirates with me, and I get to be captain. If __**you**__ win…"_

"_If I win, you have to stop being friends with that girl."_

_ "Are you talking about Kairi? No way! Even if you beat me, I'm not gonna stop being friends with her; she's really nice."_

_ "She's a girl, Sora – girls have cooties and if you keep hanging around her, you'll get cooties too."_

_ "I don't believe you. Kairi's different from other girls. If you got to know her, you'd like her, too."_

_ "I doubt it…Fine, let's change the bet up a bit. If you win, I'll let Kairi join our secret club and if I win, you have to tell Kairi that she can't come to our island anymore."_

"_You'd really let her join our secret club? Wait a minute, I can't tell Kairi that! It'd hurt her feelings."_

"_Well then, you better make sure you beat me."_

"_Two out of three?"_

"_Three out of five." I held my pinky finger out to Sora. "Let's swear on it."_

_ "All right, it's a promise – but you better be ready for me because I'm not gonna let you win this time."_

_ "We'll see about that." Sora interlocked his pinky finger with my own and we shook them together as we sang:_

"_Cross my heart_

_And hope to die_

_Stick a needle in my eye."_

_At the end of our promise, Sora released our joined fingers and pulled the sword from his belt, pointing it an inch from my nose. "Are you ready?"_

-o-

The warm light from the setting sun awakened me from the memory I had fallen into and brought me back to reality, where I found myself sitting next to Sora on the front porch of my house. Still in a half awakened state, I became enchanted by the reds, oranges and yellows airbrushed across the sky before me. As the sun faded under the horizon, it painted the earth scarlet and drew the sky above us into a rich indigo – I hadn't seen a sky quite like this for a long time, not since that afternoon so long ago when Sora and I had made that bet which decided the future of Kairi and Sora's relationship. Okay, the bet didn't determine anything – before we had made that wager, Sora was already smitten, struck by that warm smile, bubbly personality, and pure heart of hers. Even if I had won that bet, he wouldn't have kicked her off our island, and I honestly wouldn't have made him. She made him happy. I needed to accept that.

I looked to Sora, who I found leaning lazily against his arms. His eyes were closed as he hummed, and a contented grin played across his face. His features were soft, calm, and warm like the light from the setting sun that shinned upon him. I wanted to reach out and touch him; just one innocent touch was all I needed to confirm his existence, to prove that he wasn't some dream my mind had conjured out of desire.

His melodious humming soon turned into the sound of an airy snore. The soft wisps of air that passed in and out from his mouth made me wonder if he had fallen asleep, and perhaps if I were careful, I could touch him without his noticing.

It was a dangerous thought, one which I would have never allowed myself to follow through on normally, but as I sat there and watched him under the glowing light from the descending sun, the urge to confirm his existence overwhelmed me. His features appeared too peaceful, too ethereal that I had to touch him.

With my fingers outstretched before me, I cautiously leaned toward Sora. Out of uncertainty, I froze right before my fingers could make contact with what I imagined would be silky skin. When I gained the courage to move forward, I held my breath before gently tracing my fingers down his jaw to the bottom of his lip. It flinched under my touch as he stirred to an awakened state.

"Hmm…what's wrong, Riku?"

"There was a bug on your cheek. I tried to brush it off without disturbing you, but it seems that I woke you."

"It's ok, I really wasn't asleep." Sora stretched his arms above his head and arched his back. "I am really tired, though. Guess that means I'd better head home. Are you going to school tomorrow?"

"Well, let me see – we bought our uniforms, I paid the bills, bought groceries and new clothes. I suppose that means I have no excuse to ditch tomorrow. You gonna pick me up?"

"Why wouldn't I? Your house is on the way. So I'll see you then?"

"Yeah."

Sora lifted himself to his feet and yawned before stretching once more. "All right, goodnight, Riku. See you tomorrow."

"Goodnight."

I sat there unmoving and watched Sora blend into the crimson earth. As he disappeared into the distance, I waited for the warm prickling sensation to fade from my hand, afraid that if I moved, that pleasurable feeling would leave me.

My mind then drifted into thoughts of him as I focused on the feeling in my hand. I thought of how much he'd changed; how he was no longer my cute, hardheaded, innocent best friend. Actually, he was still stubborn and a little naïve, but he was also strong, dependable, kind and very…beautiful. Those thoughts of Sora only intensified that sensation, causing it to spread through me, exciting my heart and body until everything burned in a state of ecstasy.

Once the euphoria left me, the sun was long gone, replaced with the darkness of night and the dull light of a thin crescent moon. At that point, I no longer had thoughts of the past, I didn't brood over the darkness still in my heart, I didn't degrade myself for where my thoughts of Sora took me. I only felt content, weightless, perhaps even at peace. I didn't think I had ever fallen asleep as easily as I did that night – but despite my serene state before slumber, my night was far from pleasant.

-o-

_Blackness. Emptiness. Nothingness._

_I couldn't see anything, but could hear what sounded like two soft voices talking in the distances. As the voices grew louder, I tried to make out what they were saying._

"_I'd like to see your world too."_

"_Then __what__are__we__waiting__for?"_

"_Hey, aren't you guys forgetting about me?"_ – That was me. Wait, what was this? Was I dreaming? –_A small tear in the darkness appeared before me and scattered outward just as a firework would bloom into the night sky. There, at the center of that clearing, were two small, vague figures. One of the figures disappeared off the dock I was standing on, while the second figure sharpened into a younger Sora – _This scene looked so familiar, where had I?...Oh – this was more like a memory than a dream.

"_You wanted one, didn't you?" I asked after tossing Sora a paopu fruit. Sora stared at the star-shaped fruit in confusion as he held it in his hands. "They say when two people share one, their destinies intertwine…Come on, I know you want to try it." I waited for his response but he merely tossed the fruit aside._

I wondered, what he was thinking when I gave him that fruit. Was Kairi the only person who came to his mind? Did he even consider that I may have been proposing to share the fruit with him? No, it was unquestionable; Sora could've only had one person in mind when I offered him that fruit. The question wasn't "Who was he thinking of?" but rather, "What would he do?" Did he love Kairi so much that he would go as far as to bind his destiny with hers forever? Did he intend to follow her, no matter where she went, even if he had to leave me behind? If she asked him to, would he toss me aside as easily as he had that paopu fruit?

_Everything once again faded to black, except for a smiling image of Kairi. "You know, Riku has changed…let's take the raft and go, just the two of us," I heard her say, but the image before me stood unmoving. Intrigued, I reached out to touch her, but before I could, she shattered like a thin, delicate piece of glass and dispersed into the darkness, which caused everything to boil and melt away like a paper whose center was set to flame. The embers left a vermillion haze which then defined itself into another piece of my memory – Sora and Kairi sat side by side at the end of the dock, admiring the sun as it slowly set into the sea – _It was that moment when my anxiety over Sora and Kairi finally made me snap.

"_Leave without me? No, you can't," I heard myself say. "You can't take him away from me – he's mine."_– My worst fears were confirmed: Kairi was going to take him from me and without a doubt, I believed she could. I convinced myself Sora's future was permanently bound with hers, paopu fruit or not, and there was nothing I could do to change it, because that was what he wanted.

How could she? –_"How dare she?" – _I wouldn't have it; Sora was, and always would be, my everything. I couldn't let her take him from me. I had to do something, anything. So that night, I went back to our little island with one, single purpose: to destroy the raft. With the raft gone, Sora and Kairi had no means to abandon me. Looking back on it, I realized how irrational such a thought was, but that night, logic didn't exactly play a big role.

_The scene changed once more, and I found myself faced with an ominous man who was hooded in a brown cloak. He held his hand out to me and bestowed upon me the power of darkness, which I accepted without hesitation. I allowed the darkness to envelop my heart and as it did, it numbed me from my fear and my pain, which had such a strong hold over me. _It was exhilarating to be freed from such emotions, but my obsession with Sora didn't leave me like all those other burdens that tied me down; drunk with power and blind to my conscience, my obsession only became more convoluted and unconstrained.

"_Yes, this power, this is what I need to change everything; if I can't prevent Kairi from taking Sora from me, then I'll just have to cut their bonds and rip their destinies apart. With this power, I can change their fate. I can change my own." My thoughts turned sinister as the pool of darkness under my feet grew and swallowed everything around me_. _My mind was gone from the outside world, so lost that I could barely catch the light patter of feet approaching from behind me – Sora – _It was right at that moment when I had witnessed it: the power of his light. A light that shinned so bright, it awakened me, and allowed me to gain some control over my newfound power. A light so stunningly brilliant that I grew sober under its rays, but it was too late: I had already tasted what the darkness could offer.

"_Where's Kairi." – Is that all he thought about?_

"_The door's open, Sora. Now we can go to the outside world."_

"_What are you talking about? We have to find Kairi." – Is that all he cared about?_

"_She's coming with us," I lied. "This may be our only chance, Sora – take my hand."_

"_Riku…"_

_As Sora reached for my hand, the darkness which had swallowed the world around me, surrounded him, engulfed him, and then…Blackness…Emptiness…Nothingness…_I woke up.

-o-

After I sighed, I pushed the hair back from out of my face and looked around the room. To my shock, it was in an even more chaotic state than before. The cover and the sheet to my bed were bunched in a jumbled heap on the floor, and my pillow had somehow made its way across the room, where it leaned half-bent, vertically against the wall. My wicker nightstand, where my digital alarm clock once stood, laid face down, a foot away from its original location, which was adjacent to the head of the bed – and what was this behind me? A hole in my wall? What the _hell _happened while I was asleep?

With that thought my dream slowly crept back into my mind. That was right, this must have happened because of that dream. I picked the clock up off the floor and tried to decipher the time through its now cracked face –7:00 a.m. It was time I get out of bed, anyway.

I lifted myself unsteadily to my feet and realized how stiff I felt. The muscles in my neck and jaw were so tight that my head started to ache and throb. I took careful steps to the restroom as the carpet spun from under my feet. By the time I made it there, my heart pounded rapidly, beating heavily inside my chest to the inside of my ears, and my lungs felt tight as it became hard to breathe.

"What's wrong with me?" I asked, looking at myself in the mirror and rubbing the sweat off my forehead. _A dream can't cause all this, there has to be something else going on._

With shaky hands, I turned the handle to the faucet of my small walk-in shower and let the cold water run over me. I hoped that it would somehow cool that burning sensation from my body and calm my heart from its pounding. Though my body shook under the icy downpour, I didn't dare change the temperature. It seemed to be helping me gain control back over my body and mind, ceasing my symptoms and halting my consciousness from slipping into a haze of blackness.

_Think_… What could have caused that. Anxiety?..._Maybe, but why?_

I tried to push my questions out from my mind as I quickly got dressed and made myself a simple breakfast of peanut buttered toast and milk. It wasn't something I would have normally ate, it was definitely a breakfast more fitting for Sora, whose attention span was short and his personality hyper, but I didn't have the time to make a wholesome breakfast.

Sora and Kairi knocked on my door, and I let them in after appreciating the sight of Sora in his new uniform. The cerulean blue of his tartan tie and slacks brought out the electricity in his equally blue eyes, which were bright with excitement for the day ahead.

"Good morning," I said with a mouthful of toast.

"What'cha eating?" Sora asked me as he took the peanut buttered toast from my mouth. "Hmm, I love peanut butter. Can I have some?"

"Didn't you already eat breakfast?" I asked, yanking my toast from his hands.

"Yeah," he said. He begun to count on his fingers. "I had three eggs, two sausages, four pieces of bacon, five pancakes and three waffles."

"Pancakes and waffles?"

"My mom went a little crazy with breakfast this morning."

"Sounds like."

"Oh, and you should have seen what I had for dinner last night."

"She missed cooking for you, huh?"

"I don't blame her," Kairi said as she wrapped her arms around Sora's waist and rested her chin against his shoulder. "She really didn't have anyone to cook for while you were gone."

"She had Dad."

"She told me your dad doesn't appreciate her cooking like you do."

"That's because no one appreciates food like Sora does," I laughed as I tried to ignore the urge to yank Sora from Kairi's grasp. I couldn't help but stare at the way she tightened her fingers along the fabric of his shirt and the way Sora squirmed against her touch out of ticklishness.

"Stop that, Kairi!" he yipped and tried to hold back his laughter, but Kairi continued her attack and buried her face even further into Sora's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Sora, I just missed you."

"I missed you, too, Kairi."

"Don't ever leave me again," she begged and wrapped her arms tightly around Sora's waist, which caused him to relax. As he slumped into her arms, Kairi lifted her head from his shoulder and let out an expression that I'd never seen before. It was almost like a taunting smirk, like she was purposely rubbing Sora's feelings in my face. Why did she feel the need to flaunt her hold over him? Did she not think I knew who his heart belonged to?

I shoved what was left of my toast into Sora's mouth which caused him to jump upward, loosening him from Kairi's clutches.

"Let's go," I demanded. I grabbed both their hands to drag them out the door. I didn't let go until we made it to end of my driveway.

On our way to school, Sora and Kairi walked ahead of me, forgetting me as they became lost in each other's discussion. The way they interacted was so natural and so fluid, there were no unstable and awkward pauses between them, and the atmosphere their conversation created was light and cheerful. I was jealous of how easily they could ignore everything that had happened.

Kairi laughed at something Sora had said and then leaned against his side, while I tried to ignore the way Sora blushed in reaction to her touch. _So much for 'taking it slow,' huh, Sora?_

As I continued to watch Sora and Kairi, the dream I had last night crept its way back from where I had tried to push it. I could feel it crawl and scratch inside my head, causing the headache I had to tighten behind my eyes and gnaw at my skull. _He's mine._ My vision spun, causing the turning inside my head to visit my stomach. I felt sick; I really needed to stop moving.

"Hey, Kairi, knock that off!" Sora cried as he stumbled to his left, but caught his balance before he fell. Right then, he must have noticed the state I was in, because the carousel inside me suddenly halted as the feeling of his warm, caring hand upon my forehead filled me. "Are you all right?"

I opened my eyes and looked into Sora's concerned eyes. "Yeah, my head's killing me, though."

"Maybe you should go home?" Kairi called to us from where Sora had left her.

I felt too ill to decipher whether or not her concern was feigned. "It's nothing. I'm already starting to feel better."

"You sure?" Sora asked in an unconvinced tone as he placed his hands on his hips, leaned forward and narrowed his eyes.

"Yeah." I laughed and pushed his face out of the way with the palm of my hand in order to distract him from how ill I really felt.

Sora shot me a dirty look and rubbed his face where I had pushed him. "Why were you walking all the way back there, anyway?"

"I didn't want to get in the way of you two love birds," I teased, pointing my head in Kairi's direction.

"What are you saying? You won't be in the way – He won't be in the way, right, Kairi?"

"Of course not," She replied. "That is, unless he tries to hold your hand or something."

"That's not funny," Sora huffed.

"Don't worry, Kairi," I retorted. "Sora only has enough space in his brain for you – there's no room in there left for me."

"Why are you picking on Sora, Riku?"

"What's wrong with you two?" Sora asked. "Both of you have been acting really strange this morning."

I shrugged my shoulders and looked to Kairi, whose lips formed a straight line as her eyes narrowed upon me. Why was she so irritated with me this morning?

Sora looked back and forth between us in confusion. "You guys?"

"I'm sorry, Kairi, it was only a joke." I offered the apology with open hands and arms, hoping that my passive posture would sooth her from the annoyance she obviously felt toward me.

Kairi sighed. "I'm sorry, too."

"That's better," Sora cheered and interlocked his arm with mine. I tried to shove my hands inside my pockets as he dragged me to Kairi. He then interlocked his free arm with hers and pulled us closer together. "Now, no more fighting, okay?"

"Okay," Kairi and I agreed

With arms still interlocked and a dorky smile plastered across Sora's face, we walked to school. It was extremely embarrassing, but it made him happy and I'd do anything to make him smile.


	4. Ch 4: So Close, Yet So Far Away

**A/N:** Thanks, again, to **Vash's Girl** for beta-reading this. Really, if you haven't yet checked her work out, please do. She's an amazing writer. Thank you to all my readers who have kept with me thus far. I'm sorry it took such a long time to get this chapter out.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Kingdom Hearts or the characters of Kingdom Hearts.

**Warning:** There's some adult content within which may not be suitable for younger viewers; viewer discretion is advised.

**Ch. 4**

**So Close, Yet So Far Away**

With arms still intertwined, we approached the tall, steel school gates which were blackened, rusted and crumbling – discolored and beaten from years of exposure to the hot, salty island air. The bars of that gate had once been strong, and untarnished, but now they were rotten and pitiful. The closer we came upon the school grounds, the more my resolve to face the day chipped and flaked away, much like the surface of those decaying prison bars. My anxiety grew near insufferable, turning almost into panic when I realized that I would soon have to face my friends – the very people that I'd hurt and betrayed.

I had carelessly accepted the darkness, and unintentionally caused the ruin of Destiny Islands. All I wanted was to take Sora and leave this place; everyone and everything else didn't matter. It was a cold, selfish and reckless act, one which most would not easily forgive.

Most were not like Sora.

Sora inhaled sharply, unhooking his arms from Kairi's and mine, and ran in the direction of three very familiar faces. He jumped and grabbed, who I recognized as Tidus, in a suffocating embrace. Wakka, who seemed to have grown a few more inches, wrapped his arms around both boys, lifting them off the ground as he did.

My senses were suddenly overwhelmed by the deafening squeal that came from Selphie. She bolted toward me with her arms in the air, but fell midway after tripping on her own toes. I laughed, noting she still hadn't grown out of her clumsy phase, and offered my hand to steady her. Selphie returned my laugh, shortly replacing it with another scream as she wrapped her arms around my neck and dragged me down to her height.

"Riku, Riku, Riku! I've missed you so much!"

"Uh…I've missed you too," I said with some hesitation, and I avoided eye contact to prevent my nerves from going over the edge. I was happy to see her, really, but her spontaneous and unexpected burst of affection took me by unwelcomed and very much unneeded surprise. All I could do was force a smile.

I didn't remember her being so intimate in the past, at least, not with me. I wondered what else had changed, and not just in Selphie, but in all those who I shared the vital years of my childhood with. Wakka, Tidus, Kairi…Sora. I would be a fool to think that their physical appearance was the only thing different about them.

For a fleeting moment, I thought of returning Selphie's hug, but after catching the lopsided grin that Sora gave me, the notion quickly disappeared. Surely he had gotten the wrong idea – I could tell, not only by his impish smirk, but by the way he arched his brows in amusement. Little cherub wings and a bag filled with arrows practically sprouted from his back as he winked in my direction.

The thought of Sora conspiring to play cupid in an effort to hitch Selphie and I together made my skin crawl. Seeing Tidus hang all over Sora only added to my feelings of disgust and caused my whole body to tense. Selphie noticed and loosened her grasp from around my neck.

Selphie's cheeks rosied, and she smiled up at me. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uneasy," she apologized.

"No, it's okay. I haven't seen you guys in so long. I think I'm in shock." I forced another grin, hoping she couldn't see right through it.

"You must be. I've never seen you smile so much in one day. It's unlike you," she said, and pinched my cheek.

"Hey!" I swatted her hand and rubbed where she left my face aching.

Selphie covered her mouth and giggled. "Now there's the look I'm used to seeing."

"What are you getting at?"

"I think she just called you grumpy, ya?" Wakka yelled between cupped hands. I placed my hands in my pockets and tried to maintain a cool composure as everyone laughed at my expense.

"Aw, but I think it's cute," Selphie cooed, pinching the other side of my face. Sora, who still had Tidus clinging to him from behind, crossed his arms in a knowing fashion, and his sly smile bore a hint of satisfaction. It was as if he had just single handedly uncovered a well buried, dirty little secret of mine. He definitely had the wrong idea.

Tidus kept his grip on Sora, nuzzling contently in Sora's hair. I tried to ignore my old friend's overly physical display of affection. After all, he and Sora were close. So Instead of clobbering him with my fists, like I really wanted to do, I settled for sending him the most dangerous stare I could muster. My glances went completely unnoticed by Tidus, but not by Wakka and Selphie, who glanced at each other and broke out into laughter. Wakka threw his head back as he tried to hold in a laugh which came out as a snort. Selphie laughed so hard, she held her sides and nearly fell forward.

"What happened? What's so funny?" Sora questioned with a flustered expression. He was completely oblivious, as always. Tidus was too busy drooling in Sora's hair to care, and Kairi just rolled her eyes.

We were like this for a while, talking, smiling, laughing, just like we always had. I would've believed that somehow, I stepped into an alternative universe – one in which that night had never occurred – but the look on Kairi's face proved otherwise. Her jaw stiffened, forming a frown on her lips, and her eyes narrowed, drilling into me one message: _don't_ forget what _you_ did. It was the same sort of expression I expected from Wakka, Tidus or Selphie, yet all I felt from them was relief in their eyes and joy in their voices. How was it that I escaped any sort of persecution?

Wait – Could it be that neither of them knew? Had Kari not said anything? Despite the way she'd been acting, had she actually taken pity on me and decided not to expose my crimes?

No, it was more probable that Sora begged her to stay silent.

"Shit!" I just remembered. "Sorry guys, Sora and I need to go. We have important business with the principal."

"Wait, you didn't take care of that yesterday!?" Kairi placed her hands on her hips and raised a reprimanding brow.

"No, we forgot."

"How could you forget something so important?"

"We were busy."

Kairi shook her head in disappointment.

"Sorry, Kai, it slipped our minds," Sora repented, begging for forgiveness through pleading eyes – there wasn't a soul who could stay mad after receiving such a ridiculously cute expression, which was comparable to that of a puppy or a small child clinging on to their blanket. Poor Kairi, she didn't stand a chance.

"I expect that from you, Sora. But from Riku?" Kairi turned toward me and leaned forward, causing her to appear even more chastising than she had before.

"Hey, at least we came," I said defensively. "We could have ditched."

That headache, I could feel it coming on again. Why was she so irritating? She was getting under my skin more than usual, and it wasn't only her. Everything that morning seemed so overwhelming difficult to deal with.

It was just too much. Between the stress of facing my friends, Kairi's attitude and Tidus pressing dangerously close to Sora, I couldn't take it. I felt cornered like a little rabbit caught in a bear trap. I wanted so desperately to escape.

I could hear myself breathing heavily. My fingernails dug against the flesh of my palm. My chest tightened. Before my thoughts slipped into a haze, I faintly wondered how my heart could withstand its racing. Lost in the fog of distress that my body was producing, I tried to grasp onto what I could to maintain a sense of self. That's when I saw it: that part of me which still held on to the darkness. The part that I thought was carefully locked away.

"Wait," Selphie said, placing her hand on my chest and shocking me out of the world I was slipping into. I haphazardly looked around, desperately searching for _him_. I found his crystal blues etched and marred with worry.

That face. Why did I always make him look like that?

"Everyone calm down," Selphie continued. "What exactly is going on?"

"They haven't registered," Kairi answered.

"For classes?"

"For school."

"But why would they have to see the principal for that? Don't you normally register at the administration office?"

"Yes, but Sora and I are missing too many classes," I interjected once I calmed myself a bit. "We may even be held back." Sora closed his eyes and shook his head, visibly shivering at the thought.

"Man, that sucks. But hey, I'm sure it'll work out in the end. Stay positive, yeah?" Wakka reassured and elbowed Sora in the ribs, causing him to rapidly recoil. Tidus released himself from Sora to prevent both of them from falling.

"Okay. I get why you have to see the principal," Selphie said with one hand on her hip as she looked upward and waved her finger in the air as if to organize the thoughts floating around her head. "But that wasn't what I was asking. Why are you three so – I don't know – edgy this morning?"

"That's because I…"

"Riku, don't," Sora interrupted. "Look, I don't want to keep you guys in the dark, but it would take a long time to explain everything that's happened. A really, _long_ time."

"No worries, man," Wakka said while slapping Sora in the back, hard enough to make Sora choke on his own spit.

"Yeah," Selphie smiled and nodded her head in agreement.

"You can always tell us after school, right, Sora?" Tidus asked, rubbing Sora's back where Wakka had slapped it.

"Um..."

"Sora," Kairi crossed her arms and narrowed her gaze at him. "You can't keep prote…"

Sora hushed Kairi, placing a gentle finger on her lips. "I know. Trust me, I know. But, I want to not think about it for a little while."

"You don't have to. Let me do all the talking."

"No. This is something that Riku and I must explain. Please?" Sora grabbed Kairi's hand and placed it against his chest. Again, the poor girl didn't stand a chance. "It would mean a lot to me if you gave me more time. I still need to sort through my thoughts…and my feelings."

"Are we still referring to Riku, or are we discussing something else?"

"You know _exactly_ what I'm talking about."

"Fine," Kairi resigned, placing her head against his shoulder and wrapped her arms around his waist.

"Thank you," Sora breathed into her hair before placing his hands on her shoulders, leaving her to stand by my side. "You ready?" he asked me.

"Let's go," I yanked Sora by the wrist, roughly pulling him toward the office buildings. I wanted to run, to remove myself as far from what had almost happened as possible.

"Hey, Riku? Loosen your grip, you're hurting me."

His words caused me to let go. I froze, clenching my fists and grinding my teeth in anger towards myself. I closed my eyes and let the drum of slamming lockers resonate within me. I listened to the morning bell as it rang, and to the dwindling sound of chattering students and their footsteps. When the last classroom door was shut, I finally spoke. "Sora, I lost control. It was only for a moment, but I lost it." I started in the opposite direction but the gentle pressure of Sora's smooth, warm fingertips against the cold flesh of my arm paralyzed me. He was a keyblade wielder, why were his hands so soft, or was it that my skin was just rough?

"Riku, don't go…I'm sorry, so please don't go."

"Sorry? What are you sorry for?"

"I just…Kairi and I."

"Forget about it."

"…but."

"Did you not hear what I said? I. Lost. Control. I can't be here."

"But you didn't. The darkness didn't take hold. You were able to fight it."

"That's because…Selphie's touch was unexpected," I mumbled the last part. "Sora, something's going on. I don't know what it is, but staying here and placing everyone in danger, it won't find me the answer."

"You're scared."

"What?"

"You're scared. You want to leave, not because you'll put everyone in danger, but because you're afraid of hurting the people you care about."

"So?"

"If you keep running away, you'll never know whether you can control that darkness inside you. Don't you understand? That fear of hurting your friends can become your power, your weapon against the darkness. You just need to know how to wield it, and the only way to find out is by facing what you fear."

"A power to protect those who are important."

"Exactly."

"That's easy for you to say. You have a strong heart."

"I'm strong because I have friends who I can rely on, who I love and want to protect. You're one of those people, Riku."

It was only a confession of friendship, and honestly, I should've been used to that sort of thing from Sora, but I couldn't help but feel a little happy hearing those words from his mouth.

-o-

"I'm sorry, boys." The man dropped two manila files on the desk in front of us. They were wrinkled, tattered from overuse, and on their tabs I could see our names carelessly scribbled in black ink. The man coughed into his hand and fixed his thick lenses with his index finger. His face was leathered, worn from overexposure to the unkind rays of our tropical sun. The hair on his head was disheveled, peppered, dull and brittle, giving away his age. "It seems you've been absent for quite a while." He drummed his fingers on the cherry wood desk, waiting impatiently for a response, to which he received none. "There's not much you boys can do except for attending the two years of classes which you have missed."

"So in other words, you're holding us back?" I asked for clarification, hoping that somehow I'd misunderstood what our principal had just said.

"I'm afraid so."

Sora sighed and collapsed into his chair. He stared at the ceiling as his arms hung loosely at his sides. I knew just how disappointed he must have felt.

"Kame-taichou," he muttered in a tone laden with defeat, and covered his eyes as he continued to speak. "…there must be something else we can do."

"Well, there is another route you could take, but it's tough one. Have you ever heard of credit by examination?"

"No, what's that?" Sora asked curiously, removing his hand from his face to reveal that his eyes now sparkled with hope.

"Hold on, give me one second." Kame-taichou turned his attention to the grey file cabinet behind his desk, hunching forward as he sorted through each of the green dividers inside the second drawer. "Ah, here we go." He dropped a heavy stack of papers bound by a large black butterfly clip between Sora and I.

Sora scratched the back of his head in confusion. "What's this?"

"Let me explain. Credit by examination is a test which allows the taker an opportunity to skip one grade level. It's not an easy exam –you must score at least 90% to pass. This packet explains the test in further detail and provides you with a guideline to focus your studies."

Sora's eyes became huge as he stared at the size of the stack of papers. "You're kidding me."

"No, I'm quite serious."

Sora moaned and slumped even further into his seat. "There's no way."

"I'm sorry, Yoshimura, those are your two options: be held back, or take the credit by examination."

"Excuse me," I interrupted, and placed a gentle hand on Sora's shoulder. He tensed, but suddenly relaxed under my touch. "Sora, it's not like you to give up so easily. Why don't you try to take the test?"

"We both know that I'm a horrible test taker."

"Come on, perhaps if you study _really_ hard, you might have a chance at passing."

"That's impossible."

"It won't hurt to try. I'll even help you prepare."

"Wait? Riku, what about you; shouldn't you be studying to pass your own exam?"

"Nah, I'm not interested. I'm fine with being held back. Think of it this way, if you pass – and there's no way you won't with the help of my genius – we'll be in the same grade and might even have classes together."

"You're willing to do that for me?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Okay!" Sora smiled and gave me a reassuring nod.

I rubbed his head rewardingly.

-o-

The school day continued much the same way as it had two years ago. Girls would stare at me as I walked down the halls between periods. During class, I would lean back into my chair, lazily, as the teacher droned on and on, and I would beg the hands of time to move a little faster.

Two years ago, I couldn't wait for lunch. I would always look forward to spending that time with my friends. Sometimes we would sneak our lunches up to the rooftop where we could sit and enjoy the cool breeze that often smelt of coconuts and paopu fruit. While at other times, we would sit outside under a nonnative willow tree and watch the birds fly free and the fluffy clouds make pictures in the sky.

Those innocent days were now gone. No matter how much I wanted to act like nothing had changed – to do as Sora wanted and pretend like I was the same old Riku – I couldn't help but feel this darkness lingering inside me, and it made the guilt I already carried weigh far heavier than I could bear. Being the coward that I was, I couldn't convince myself to stay and face him any longer. I had to go. So I grabbed my things from my lockers and left for home, not expecting to see Sora, or anybody else, for the rest of the day.

As I walked home, dark clouds gathered in the sky and I closed my eyes, welcoming the impending storm. It was more suiting than the clear, sunny skies of that morning, and I was rather thankful to have the cold rain drops trail down my face and soak my clothes.

I stayed in that rain for a little while, begging it to cleanse me, and to not remind me of that night. When the shadow of sleep finally hit me, I let myself inside, changed into my night clothes, and slipped into bed. For most of the night, the thunder clashed wildly and the rain poured heavily, yet I still left the window open, and prayed that I wouldn't remember.

-o-

I was awakened by the sensation of something wet across my back, and the pressure of fingertips grasping at my sides. Warm droplets of liquid spilt against my neck as the sounds of breathy panting played against my ear. I was suddenly aware of the legs tangled with mine, and the familiar warmth between my thighs which often came with similar fantasies.

"Riku?" he whispered as he clung to my shoulders and buried his head into my neck. I could feel those droplets once more, and thought that maybe they were too warm to be residual from the storm. "Riku, wake up."

"What's wrong, Sora?" I said groggily, trying to remain as relaxed as possible.

"I'm scared."

"What? Sora, the mighty keyblade bearer is afraid of a little thunder?"

"No, that's not what I mean. I'm scared because… Riku, why did you leave school so early? At lunch period, I waited for you; after school, I waited for you, but you never came." Sora's hands left my shoulders and slipped under my arms where they tightened around my chest. I bit my lip as I held back a grunt. It was all too much, his intoxicating scent, the feeling of his fingers under my shirt clinging to bare flesh, his shaky, unsure voice and breath tickling my ears. This was dangerous. I had to stay focused, I had to think of something else, otherwise he'd find out.

"Why…" I began, but my voice was too ragged for me to continue.

"I feel like you're slipping away."

"That's ridiculous."

"I know, but as I lay awake listening to the rain, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about you. How much it hurt to lose you, how happy I am to have you back, and how much it would hurt if I'd lost you again. The more I thought about it, the more frightened I became."

"C'mon, Sora."

"I know it's crazy, but I started to think that you'd disappear. That if I didn't see you tonight, you'd be gone forever. I can't bear that, Riku, you're my best friend."

"Shh," I hushed softly, and turned on my back to look into his eyes. They glowed beautifully, capturing electricity from the lightning as each bolt struck the ground. "I'm still here." I held his face to mine and rubbed each tear as they fell from his eyes away with my thumb. "Are you listening to me?" He nodded before closing his eyes and resting his face against my chest.

"I'm so sorry, Riku. Are you mad at me?"

"No," I replied and stroked the soft spikes of his hair. "…but, shouldn't you be heading home; won't your parents be worried?"

"Mom already knows," he mumbled against my chest.

"And she let you go out into this storm?"

"I told her I had to see you. She just said to be careful…So can I?"

"Can you what?"

"Spend the night?"

"Sora," I said scoldingly. "Okay, but you need to change into something else; you're soaking wet.

"I'm too tired."

"Come on Sora, you're going to catch a cold." I begrudgingly left the bed and tossed Sora an old t-shirt and a pair of boxers. He sniffled as he removed his night shirt, which clung against his damp skin. "See, here, have a towel, too." I threw said item, which landed on his head, causing me to chuckle. He smiled at me with sleepy eyes.

I wanted to stay and watch him change, but if I had, I would have lost all control. No matter how much I loved him, how desperately I wanted him, I couldn't allow myself to take it to that level. I wouldn't risk tainting what we had. So, I slipped away into the bathroom, locking the door behind me and pleading with myself to not remember the night very much like this one.

To not recall the night I fell in love.


	5. Ch 5: Lost and Found

**A/N: **I must thank **Vash's Girl** for taking the time to beta this for me.

*****There is a **NC17 **rated version of this chapter. You can find it in on my LJ account. I will provide the link on my profile page.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Kingdom Hearts or the characters of Kingdom Hearts.

**Warning:** There's some adult content within which may not be suitable for younger viewers; viewer discretion is advised.

**Ch. 5**

**Lost and Found**

The wood of the bathroom door felt hard against my back as I slid to the icy tile and teased the sensitive skin between my thighs.

It wasn't right. I'd known Sora as long as I could remember. We were always inseparable, so close he should have been like a brother to me. I had no doubt that was exactly how he saw me.

Without his knowledge or consent, all the purity of our friendship had been gone, tainted for years, replaced by an unrelenting and powerful lust. What was worse, what I should have really hated myself for, was that I didn't wholeheartedly regret my feelings. If given a second chance – a choice – I would have decided to continue my feelings, to silently carry the heavy burden that was between us. If I hadn't fallen, the darkness inside me would have taken over long ago.

During that time, loving him was what had kept me human.

-o-

It was seven years ago. The rain fell heavily, each drop shattering into countless pieces. They disappeared within the void of wet pavement, blackened by a moonless night. The sound of sirens filled my ears, invading my mind and stunning my senses. Their haunting cries failed to wake me from shock, only serving to confuse me further. What had just happened? Weren't my parents… weren't they on this earth a second ago? No, it had to have been longer, otherwise the ambulance couldn't have made it there yet.

Sora and I were playing… Rock-paper-scissors? _That's right_… we were arguing over which movie to watch. Sora wanted to see some stupid cartoon, one where a dashing prince rescued a beautiful maiden from dire circumstances. In the end, I was sure they lived happily ever after. But I wanted to watch a scary movie, the kind that kept you up all night for fear you would fall victim to something terrifying in your sleep. Sora _hated_ them, however. Every time I conned him into watching one, he'd end up in my bed, clinging on to me for the rest of the night. Even then, he'd wake up crying because of some nightmare –he was only nine, after all. Secretly, I'd be too frightened to sleep and appreciated the security of his company and the warmth of his body as he'd tangle his limbs with mine.

We were about to play our third round when we heard the shrill of brakes and the screams of tires skidding across slick asphalt. The sound of loose gravel between wheels and blacktop scratched along the road, vibrating at the same frequency as sharp nails scraping mercilessly down a chalk board. The cry seemed to go on forever until it was finally met with a loud crash of splintering wood, ending in an eerie silence.

Sora and I glanced at each other excitedly and leapt on top his bed to gaze out the adjacent window. We pushed and shoved the other while cupping our eyes against the cold, foggy glass, protecting our view from the glare of his hanging ceramic lamp. I tried to tune my vision in the direction where the sound encountered its end, catching a glimpse of two hazy halos of red, blurred out by the fog and rain bleeding from the starless sky. It was so distorted, I couldn't make out what it was at first, but the more I focused, the more I realized what I was seeing were headlights in the distance.

For the first time in my ten years of life, a true and immense fear took hold, pulling me from the safe world I knew into a downward spiral of panic. I rushed out of Sora's room, ignoring him as he called out my name, flying downstairs, out the front door and into the street where my fears were confirmed.

That was my parents' car. Their black Lincoln squashed like a fragile piece of crumpled up paper, forming around the base of what used to be a tree. I screamed as I tried to open the passenger door. _Mom_. It wouldn't budge. No matter how much I tried, the door wouldn't let her loose._ Dad_.

I hollered in frustration as I slammed my fists on the door, over and over and over again, until someone pulled me away. It was Sora's father. I tried to free myself, pushing, scratching and punching him, but he held onto me with a force I couldn't match, even in my frantic state. He shoved my head into his chest, preventing me from witnessing the world which had collapsed into chaos behind me, and at that moment, I knew what it meant to truly hate someone.

With my mind drawn into a lonely white emptiness, and with my body too exhausted to struggle further, the will to fight left me. Not knowing what else to do, I wept, still clinging onto to Sora's father. I screamed, begging and praying to god, pleading with him to wake me from that horrible dream, to tell me why he could let this happen, but he refused to take pity on that ten-year-old boy. I was about to curse him for being so cruel and unsympathetic, when two small but strong arms wrapped around me.

"Riku…" was all he said, but he didn't need to say much more than that. The heat of his head resting on my shoulder was enough to start my heart, helping me recall that I still had one beating inside my chest. That feeling, it was something to live for… He was someone worth living for.

Without me knowing, Sora's father had left to talk to the emergency response team which had arrived sometime after the accident. I stood there motionlessly as Sora sobbed into my back, allowing his tears to soak through my shirt and free me from the frigid and uncaring rain drops. His simple act of compassion was a blessing. If not for his angelic grace, I would have lost it. Whether my sanity or the will to live, it would have been gone.

I saw him in a new light, my own heaven on earth, and it was the beginning, the seed which rooted me into sin.

A few days later, shielded from the rain by an ebon umbrella, I stared drowsily at my mother's and father's coffin and listened as the preacher gave his sermon. Other than saying a final goodbye, I didn't know why I was there. I no longer believed in God, and even if a small part of me had, the desire to have faith was lost – dead, alongside my parents, who were to lay forever underground.

No one there could have known how much it hurt for my parents to be gone; their condolences meant nothing. And that preacher… he didn't know shit. How dare he stand there and drone on about my parents as if he knew them far better than I? Claiming them happier now that they were at God's side when what parent would be satisfied watching their child grow up in this world alone and unloved? – No. Wait, that wasn't really the case. Sora was there.

With my trust in God forfeit, he was now my rod.

I tilted my umbrella, checking to see if Sora was still at my side. He hadn't left it since that night, which I was very thankful for. I reached over and grabbed his hand out from the safety of his umbrella and into the harsh unforgiving rain. The act broke whatever strength he held onto, causing him to sob with such fierce intensity, onlookers would have thought it was _his_ parents we were burying. I tightened my grip on his hand, silently thanking him for having the courage to cry for the both of us. Sora dropped his umbrella onto the flooded pavement and buried himself into my shoulder, crushing my neck as he continued to weep. With my free hand, I returned the embrace, not caring what others would think of the gesture, and for the first time since that night, permitted myself to cry.

"Riku. We need to talk." That voice, it was familiar. I tilted my umbrella up and saw a pair of aqua eyes, hauntingly similar to mine. Sora was startled from his sobbing and turned to glance at the man who had interrupted our moment.

"Can't it wait?" I asked and tightened my arm around Sora's waist, hoping it would keep him from leaving my side.

"No," he said curtly, and walked to a secluded spot under the shelter of an old oak tree.

"Who's that?" Sora asked as he wiped his nose with the sleeve of his black dress shirt. Even with a face swollen with tears and a body shrouded in the silhouette of somber storm clouds, he was beautiful. Staring deeply into those piercing blues which were tired from weeping, I had forgotten where I was, and for a second time since my parents' death, I could feel my heart beating against my ribs.

"Riku!" the man yelled, causing the hairs on my body to stand on edge.

"Sora, I better go."

Sora grabbed me by the cuff. I could see the fear riddled in his eyes.

"It's fine. He's my uncle."

He shifted his eyes to the ground and dropped his hand from my sleeve. I rubbed his head, handed him my umbrella, and took a few steps toward my uncle. "Stay right here and wait for me, okay?"

The mud gathered on my shoes and the ground sloshed under my feet as I ran across the flooded earth. When I made it to the oak tree, I could clearly see the coils of Spanish moss hanging from its crippled branches. The tree was enormous; it had to have been hundreds of years old. Even the air around it felt ancient.

I took a deep, uncertain breath before clearing my throat, catching my uncle's attention. He turned and fixed his gaze on me. I could see the bags and dark circles under his eyes. As he stepped closer, I noticed how much he resembled my father. From the long, straight silver hair, and the pale, ivory skin, to the fine lines surrounding his mouth, which didn't fit his young age. He was quite stunning to look at, really. Handsome, like my father, but his personality was far different.

He'd been absent for most of my life, though he lived only a few miles away. When on the rare occasion he'd come for a visit, he was always ill mannered and distant, putting my mother on edge. My father would hide a chuckle under his hand, which was an expression had rarely seen, and poke at how easily my uncle buried himself under my mother's skin. I didn't quite understand it, but my father would always ask us to forgive my uncle's behavior. He'd say, 'Ryu was his only brother, and though he had lost his way, he was a good kid.' My mother had a different opinion, which would lead to heated arguments shortly after my uncle left. I could never make out the details when they fought; the insulation between the walls was too thick, causing their words to come through muffled.

This man who I hardly knew, who looked too much like my father, had started to ramble in the middle of a subject I didn't know the beginning to.

"You have to understand. I know I've promised them… but I can't. I just… I can't."

"Wait, what are you talking about?"

"There's so much going on right now. My life's too crazy, too fucked up. Hell, I'm just a kid myself… how the fuck am I supposed to raise one? Nah-ah." He shook his head forcibly. "No, Riku. I'm sorry, but you'll have to find someone else to look after you."

"What? Is that what this is about?" I can feel my fingers ball into fists. "You don't want to raise me? I never asked you to in the first place," I hissed through clenched teeth, trying to hold in my anger.

"Are you that stupid? Whether you asked me to or not isn't the issue. Look, I'm pretty much the only living relative you have. I'm sure you're a great kid and all, 'cause your parents were so _fucking_ perfect…" I flinched. His words felt bitter. "…but I have no intention on being shackled down by my brother's mistake."

_Mistake?_

"God, but I'm tight right now, I really need that cash." He paced, tapping an index finger over his chin. "Damn those stipulations, if I send you off to some orphanage, I'll get nothing." He gripped my shoulder, shaking it slightly. "And you don't wanna go to an orphanage, right?"

I stumbled backwards, rubbing my shoulder where his fingers had dug in a little too deep. "There's no orphanage on Destiny Islands. You'd have to ship me off somewhere… am I right?"

My uncle nodded his head in agreement. I shifted my gaze behind me, spotting Sora standing alone, holding on tight to my umbrella. "I want… I want to stay here."

He tore his eyes from mine to see what had caught my attention. "Your friend's that important to you, huh?"

"He's all I have left."

"Do you love him?"

"Of course, he's my best friend."

"That's not what I meant." He closed his eyes and shook his head. "Never mind, you're too young to know that kind of love. But back to the pressing matter – it seems our goals are similar, in a sense. I need you in my care, in order for the will to be in effect, and you don't want to be shipped off someplace where your cute little friend can't reach you." He stroked the curve of his chin and hit his palm with his fist. "I've got it! I still need to figure out the details, though. Why don't you come over to my house tomorrow?" He fumbled through his left pocket and took out a wrinkled up piece of paper and a black permanent marker, straightening out the paper before scribbling down his address and phone number.

"Why do you have a Sharpie in your pocket?" I said with one eyebrow raised as he handed me the note.

"They happen to come in handy where I work," he said curtly and shoved the marker back into his pocket.

"And where's that?"

"None of your god damn business. Anyway, come to my house tomorrow. Hopefully by then I'll have a plan figured out. Don't worry, kid." He rubbed my hair, causing static to form, without help from the weather. "You'll be fine, I'll figure this out to where the both of us can benefit." He brushed past my shoulder, out from under the tree and into the rain. When he was gone from sight, I closed my eyes, opening them only to find the grey sky peaking through orange dusted leaves contrasting against the snaking black branches.

I tried to it hold in, to let the water dripping from the leaves slide down my cheeks instead of the tears which wanted to escape. How didn't I hear the pitter patter of footsteps from behind? Perhaps they were hidden behind the wrapping of raindrops and the wind dancing through the leaves. I was taken by surprise as his lithe arms wrapped around my waist, tugging at my black cardigan as he sobbed into my back.

"Why aren't you crying?" It was more of a plea than a question.

"I don't want to."

"You're lying!"

"Tell me, Sora, what good will tears do? Will they stop the rain falling from the sky, will they make sense of all this, will they bring my parent's back?"

"I can see past your mask, Riku. You feel like you're broken, like you're dying, right? You're hurting inside. I can feel it, too, so there's no point in hiding it from me." He turned me around by the arm and grabbed my face between his hands, forcing me to view his vibrant heavenly blues. "It's okay to let your mask down, I won't think any less of you." He pulled me down, trailing his breath to my forehead. I could smell the sweet scent of honey and coconuts on his neck as his lips touched my skin. Under that gentle and innocent kiss, the will to stay strong was broken. I snatched his wrists, holding him in place as my cheeks grew warm and wet, and my voice choked as I sobbed into his collar.

For a third night in a row, I spent it lying awake in Sora's bed, watching the shadows dance in a fluid pattern along the ceiling. I listened to the hum of his snores and felt the vibration of the bed as he tossed in his sleep.

Something inside began to stir, an emotion that was always there, but until now, never had shape. I sat up and rested against the wall, examining Sora's back as it rose and fell with each delicate breath, and stroked the smooth, exposed skin of his arm. My fingertips ached after the contact, and I held them against my heart, which felt tight as it struggled to keep it's quickened pace. The sensation that had taken over my chest traveled on a southward path, down every one of my ribs, toward my abdomen, and further. Naïve to the meaning behind my body's betrayal, I let the sensation go uninhibited.

It was frightening.

I couldn't understand why I felt hot, why my heart was ringing in my ears or why I felt so lightheaded. Wary of disturbing Sora from his sleep, I snuck out of his bed and slowly pushed the door open. I was still somewhat unfamiliar with his house in the dark. Trailing my fingers along the wall, I used them to guide me through the inked hallways, into the nearest bathroom where I succumbed to sin.


End file.
